What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 13:33
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
How is bestiality wrong, but killing animals for sport or trophies is considered okay?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Have you ever lied to your family? What were the circumstances?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot live in the past .
Ive learnt so much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Have you ever dealt with a Christian narcissist?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
Especially a lifetime of it.
What is something you have to share?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why is going on a date today so much different than it was when I was young?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why do untreated borderlines always blame their partners when they actually think they are normal?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
How are Hinduism and Sikhism related, considering they both originated in Punjab, India?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
How was cancer treatment different in the US and the UK?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It was going to be , some day.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Comes on , in middle age.
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is soul school!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He knew the spot.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was in good health!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I have no regrets .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I think the readers, may guess!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years